Dogs are a pain in the ass

22 11 2010

Why do we have dogs, I wonder sometimes? They’re cute and do funny shit, sure. And somedays they’re that friend who’ll listen when you need to talk. People are fickle and selfish and animals, we tell ourselves, are selfless and loyal. They’ll always be there for us, companions regardless how we feel.

And while this is true, much of the Hollywood sparkle around having pets is manufactured bullshit. Let me share a few experiences with my dog, Marley…

He was named after the dog in that movie, Marley And Me. I had to come up with a name on the spot because the breeder needed it for the microchip. It was the first name that popped into my head. She laughed and said I might want to reconsider, that the name would jinx it. That he’d end up being just like the dog in the movie – destructive, full of energy and being a major pain in the ass more often than not. I thought what were the odds. It’s just a name

Over the past week he has destroyed two 5 foot tall banana trees. An impressive feat for a 7 month old puppy Labrador. He’s rooted up a half-dozen pot plants. One large rectangular plant was excavated so utterly that he was covered head to toe in black mud. A few weeks back he destroyed a coffee table by ramming into it while charging around the house like a kid on a sugar high. I don’t know what was going through his retarded dog brain at the time. Slamming into something at 300 miles an hour for shits and giggles seems to be order of the day.

I’ve managed to train him to sit and walk properly on a leash and even give me a high-five. He’s highly intelligent, but also completely out of control if left alone. He digs up everything, chews everything, drools everywhere and smells like a toilet if not washed at least once a week. He keeps trying to rape the other poor old 12 year old terrier in the house. He needs to be walked for about an hour every day after I get back from gym or he gets particularly obnoxious. Almost like revenge.

The dog is a ton of work. I really had no idea it would be like this. The harder I try to placate him, sometimes, the more wound up he gets. I’ve read dog books, watched countless Dog Whisperer shows and the only thing that’s become apparent is that having a dog = work. Constant, nonstop, work. I can’t come home from my job and just chill out anymore. The dog has to be walked, after that the dog has to be played with and given attention/training. The rest of the evening, every evening is spent trying to keep him out of trouble as he paces around the house and yard actively looking for trouble of some kind. Whether that’s’ harassing the other two dogs, destroying plants (what did they ever do to you?) or doing his damnedest to emulate Arnie in Predator, coating himself in sticky black slime in order to evade the Tall One in his mission to defile my couch or bed or something.

Despite it all, of course, I adore the mutt. He’s a part of my life now, for better or worse. But I’ve come to second guess my decision to get him, which obviously makes me feel guilty. I can’t spend hours playing games on PC or Xbox every night any more, ¬†which is probably what I miss the most. ¬†That free time. Having a dog means dedication. It means responsibility. Is he fed, does he have water, has he been brushed. Has the poop been disposed of. This is a particularly big deal. A big, stinky deal.

A dog is a living, breathing, thinking creature, and it depends on you entirely, and will for its entire lifespan. Think twice before getting a puppy. When, not if, your adorable ball of fur becomes a 40-kilo whirlwind of destruction, it’s not a problem you can solve by ignoring it. Too many dogs become unwanted and end up in pounds and SPCA’s. So really. Think about it. Dogs can be a great friend but like any relationship, they need work. Just because it’s an animal doesn’t, in fact, mean it’s unconditional.


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17 responses

22 11 2010
boerewors

Wait till you got kids…..

18 06 2013
KaD

I don’t think he’s going to have kids. Who’s going to want to put up with the work, filth and expense of his dog collection?

2 10 2011
KaD

Well spoken. Dogs are a 10-20 year commitment at an average of $1200 a year. That’s IF your dog doesn’t bite someone (average over $26K) or get hit by a car. Kids eventually grow up and wipe their own ass. Dogs never progress. It sounds like your dog needs alot more exercise that it’s getting; you could try training it on a treadmill.

2 10 2011
KaD

And seriously, two dogs wasn’t enough? Should help if you get him neutered too.

2 10 2011
s

Dogs are never worth it…Annoying up your ass animals! Why would anyone put up with that! Wouldn’t it be better to take a starving child from an orphange into your home then some beast…its not loyal…it only wants food and to poo! It has no friends…its just a dirty smelly animal! I hate every dog!

20 12 2013
bigmom987@hotmail.com

well for your information one of my dogs saved my life ,dogs are wonderful companions remember the famous dog Hatchi? and as far as eating do you fill your belly every day well dogs have to eat to you need therapy I hope you get the mental help you need soon

3 10 2011
JS

Dogs are overrated. Why do so many people have dogs? Do they like the work, the mess, the smell and the inconvenience?

5 10 2011
amy

No, we love the company of a companion that never judges you. The friendship that means you are never alone, dogs are creatures designed to soothe the human condition. And yes, owning dogs is work. But that is why breeds should be properly researched before purchase… The author does not sound like he suits a labbie. Keeping dogs is truly a privilege and honestly a blessing.

7 10 2011
KaD

I’m sure the three dozen or so people who are murdered by dogs every year in the US find dogs very soothing when they’re lying on the ground or floor bleeding to death. I have a dog, and I don’t consider something as common as toilet paper to be a privilege or as much work as a horse a blessing.

5 10 2011
amy

Only selfish people could view such valued members of their family as an inconvenience.

5 10 2011
TychaBrahe

It’s honesty that makes you admit it’s an inconvenience. Any relationship is: a boyfriend or girlfriend, husband or wife, friend, child, and yes, a pet. Last year my area got a snowstorm that shut the city down for two days. If I had had a dog, I would still have had to walk it.

The question is, is it worth the inconvenience?

Of all three of my cats I say yes, yes, yes.

7 10 2011
KaD

I have a cat too and that is SO much better than a dog! Much cleaner, less noisy, far less expensive, far less maintenance.

6 10 2011
amy

Funny, I have never felt that way. We get major lightning storms here, generally around the time that I walk my pooches. They are perfectly fine with skipping a day or two, any dog that is not could probably do with more training… Maybe were just vastly different people though, cause again I dont think of my other relationships as inconvenient either, occassionally annoying for some or other reason but i never think – gosh, knowing/being with this person is so inconvenient.

9 10 2011
James

Get rid of that animal before it wastes any more of your money and time. Or destroys any more of your property. Or, God forbid, injures or kills you or someone else. Then, if you’re still alive, it will be ruinous medical bills, bankruptcy, and long term medical problems. Or being sued in civil court;and/or convicted in criminal court, and jailed. There are plenty of more worthwhile things to spend the money wasted on that creature on. Saving up for your old age and medical bills. A family. Starting a business. Going back to school. A charity that would benefit human beings. A vacation. A hobby. You can think of other things you would like to have, or do, yourself.

19 10 2011
KaD

I’ve never understood the guilt aspect of having a dog. If you got a dog and made honest attempts to control its bad behavior and it’s still ruining your belongings and your life you just get rid of the damn thing. You don’t feel guilty about making a mistake; you just correct it. There are LOTS of other dogs that need a home and won’t destroy the place and make a menace of themselves. Nobody should keep an animal that’s making them miserable. That said you hopefully learned a lesson and will STOP getting dogs in the future.

24 04 2012
AnnaU

I LOVE to read things like this because always in the ending they say like “but i love him anyway” “he’s a part of my life now” but for you..I guess a malteser would be a better breed;)

30 08 2013
emeraldcat413

I, personally, am a cat person, and I agree that dogs are overrated.

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